I cried for a friend today

Man I miss Ed and, even though I chat with him on-line, it seems like I haven't talked to him in ages. I know this is a great opportunity for him and I'm really glad he left to pursue it, but I still miss him so much. He's 'on' with me, we share so many of the same references that it leaves a huge hole when there is no one to return my serve.

For a young man, he gives unbelievably sage advice and presents a calm perspective that many times I just don't see. He's like a son, a Nephew, and a great friend all rolled up into one. If I did have a son, I'd wish for one like Ed, (maybe in a state where incest is legal - kidding!).

Everyday I slip into my pretend professional life and turn into this person I don't recognize, the guy in the suit and tie driving to Rochester. I suspect they're on to me, who am I to make these decisions and tell them what to do? Anyway, during that drive I am on the line between these two very different people as I listen to the music that is so very powerful for me. I'm glad I'm one of those people who is profoundly affected by music, it can move me like little else. While I'm in this vulnerable borderline state, tears come easily to me as I reflect on the words and emotion of the songs I hear.

Ed doesn't really like the song "Human" by The Killers, "Are we human or are we dancer?" Ed is annoyed that dancer is singular here. That makes me smile and laugh every time I hear it, and it makes me melancholy that I'm not hearing him say those words and laugh about it with me. Then I listen to the words and, ironically, they are very much in line with Ed leaving.

"And sometimes I get nervous when I see an open door, close your eyes, clear your heart...cut the cord."

"Wave goodbye wish me well...you've gotta let me go."

"Will your system be alright when you dream of home tonight? There is no message we're receiving let me know is your heart still beating."

I miss you Ed and I cried for you today.

You Found Me

Every now and then I hear a song that hits me hard, a song that makes me think someone got into my head and took the words right from me. "You Found Me" by The Fray is just such a song, it's exactly how I felt when I lost my Mom. I was very angry with God and a wonderful Lesbian Pastor told me to go ahead and tell God that, to feel free to yell at Him, "He can take it" she said. I asked Him over and over again where he was. This is such an incredible song.

I found God

On the corner of First and Amistad

Where the west

Was all but won

All alone

Smoking his last cigarette

I said, "Where you been?"

He said, "Ask anything".

Where were you

When everything was falling apart?

All my days

Were spent by the telephone

It never rang

And all I needed was a call

It never came

To the corner of First and Amistad

Lost and insecure

You found me, you found me

Lyin' on the floor

Surrounded, surrounded

Why'd you have to wait?

Where were you? Where were you?

Just a little late

You found me, you found me

In the end

Everyone ends up alone

Losing her

The only one who's ever known

Who I am

Who I'm not, who I wanna be

No way to know

How long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure

You found me, you found me

Lyin' on the floor

Surrounded, surrounded

Why'd you have to wait?

Where were you? Where were you?

Just a little late

You found me, you found me

Early morning

The city breaks

I've been callin'

For years and years and years and years

And you never left me no messages

Ya never send me no letters

You got some kinda nerve

Taking all my world

Lost and insecure

You found me, you found me

Lyin' on the floor

Where were you? Where were you?

Lost and insecure

You found me, you found me

Lyin' on the floor

Surrounded, surrounded

Why'd you have to wait?

Where were you? Where were you?

Just a little late

You found me, you found me

Why'd you have to wait?

To find me, to find me

Friday, June 12th

I just noticed that I never did put up a Buffalo Pride post, but it was mostly a story in photos anyway. I put those on my Facebook page so I won't bother to rehash it in words here.

Finally at Friday after a VERY busy workweek! Wednesday and Thursday were definitely trying and they were both incredibly long days. The "big" meeting in Rochester on Wednesday morning was brutal, I had to be there at 8 which necessitated getting up at 5:15, that wasn't fun. Yesterday started with another 8 meeting, but this one was in downtown Buffalo. Yesterday was a day full of difficult union meetings, making it very tense as things got nastier and more personal by the ass holes in the union. I'm glad I wasn't the "front man" representing management, if I was it would have been very different because I won't take their shit. Of course no one from their useless union even bothered to show up, although I feel very sorry for the 30 staff in that group, only they have the power to get rid of those losers who are supposed to be representing them.

I was SO tired yesterday that at 4 I stumbled out of the Bflo office and headed home. I stopped at the liquor store on the way home and got some of my favorite Three Olives Grape Vodka, I also picked up some orange gin. I came home and had a nice long drink. John came over and we went to Anderson's for beef on wick and custard. 

Today I spent most of my day at the Univera office, I always enjoy the dynamics of the people who work there so it wasn't a terrible way to wrap up a very busy week. John is on his way over now and we'll probably go out to eat...again! I haven't been cooking nearly as much as I used to, just too tired once I get home. Allentown weekend here, hoping to go to that. I don't think I've gone in the last couple of years, so we shall see.

Saturday, June 6th

Went shopping with Ed this morning. He needed a suit, dress shirts and ties, right up my alley and something I've been doing a lot of myself. We went to The Galleria and of course I had to pick up a couple shirts and pants, can't resist those JCP sales. It was fun just wandering around shopping and chatting, we went to Jack Astor's for lunch.

After the mall, I went home and did some dreaded yard work. I had to cut the law, do the trimming and some weeding. Things are starting to fill in and the petunias are very purple! The yard looks really nice, nicer than it has in my past years here, it's a lot of work and I still do NOT enjoy it one bit!

John cooked out on the grill for dinner and we had a quiet night watching Detroit spank the Pen's 5 to zip, go Red Wings! Tomorrow is the Buffalo Pride celebration and parade, we're going just not sure if we're going to march with The Buffalo Bears or not, supposed to rain, that would suck. The Bear's after party at Dennis Long's house is usually a good time so we'll play it by ear I guess. 

I've been thinking about joining The Village Glen, might go there after work on Monday to check it out. I've always wanted to join and I sure do miss tennis so we'll see what I end up doing. 

Long Overdue Memorial Day

Work has kept me so busy that when I get home I'm exhausted and haven't had any time to even reflect on what I've been doing. I've been trying to 

get to bed at a reasonable time since I've been getting to work so early. Things are still going well at work, I think it's a perfect match for me at this point in my career.

Anyway, we decided to have a small gathering for Memorial Day. It was supposed to be a relatively small gathering, but it ended up being about 20 people. We had fun, food, drinks, and a few laughs. Here it is in some photos.

Housewarming

Saturday was a busy day, had a lot of gardening left to do in order to make the house presentable enough for the gathering on Memorial Day. I cut the lawn and put in just about all of the remaining plants I bought when Sean was here. I loathe gardening, and yard work in general, but I did get a feeling of accomplishment when it was done and I could stand back and look at it.

Saturday night we had to go to a housewarming party for Lee & Nate, fellow members of The Buffalo Bears, who recently purchased their own home in the city. It was a fun enough evening, I'm glad Jimmy and Scott were there so we had someone we knew to talk to. It was surprising to see Eric & Michael there as well. A lot of the bears showed up as well. We had a few beers and munched on a few snacks, the meatballs were good. 

Their house is an older single family city house on Harvard Place near Lafayette and Main, not far from Canisius College. Of course I wouldn't live in the city again, but to each his/her own! It's an old house with plenty of 'money pit' potential ahead of it. Lots of work has been done and lots more remains I'm sure. There are some very unique features like the bedroom upstairs that was made into someone's poker room at one time. It has a border of old poker chips around the wall. At some point someone painted 40's-style pinup girls on the walls and made the closet into a small bar that you can actually stand behind by being in the old closet space! Lee & Nate have been very creative with preserving some of these elements. They painted the walls in the poker room, but preserved the pinup girls by framing them in wooden trim so they looked framed. The attic is partially finished and the walls have the look of an old English Tudor-style room, it's very cool. The staircase and stained-glass window on the landing there are both very nice features as well.

We had fun and I'm glad we went. I didn't want to miss it since Lee & Nate, and most of the other Bears, came to my housewarming two years ago...wow, time flies. We didn't go out to the bars after the party, I was just too tired from working outside all day. Additionally, we went to Fugazi on Friday night and it was a bore.

Maybe it's just "Restless Heart Syndrome"

I've got a really bad disease

It's got me begging on my hands and knees

So take me to emergency

Cause something seems to be missing

Somebody take the pain away

It's like an ulcer bleeding in my brain
So send me to the pharmacy
So I can lose my memory
I'm elated
Medicated
Lord knows I tried to find a way to run away

I think they found another cure
For broken hearts and feeling insecure
You'd be surprised what I endure
What makes you feel so self-assured?

I need find a place to hide
You never know what could be waiting outside
The accidents you could find
It's like some kind of suicide

So what ails you is what impales you
I feel like I've been crucified to be satisfied

I'm a victim of my symptom
I am my own worst enemy
You're a victim of your symptom
You are your own worst enemy
Know your enemy

- Green Day