Housewarming

Saturday was a busy day, had a lot of gardening left to do in order to make the house presentable enough for the gathering on Memorial Day. I cut the lawn and put in just about all of the remaining plants I bought when Sean was here. I loathe gardening, and yard work in general, but I did get a feeling of accomplishment when it was done and I could stand back and look at it.

Saturday night we had to go to a housewarming party for Lee & Nate, fellow members of The Buffalo Bears, who recently purchased their own home in the city. It was a fun enough evening, I'm glad Jimmy and Scott were there so we had someone we knew to talk to. It was surprising to see Eric & Michael there as well. A lot of the bears showed up as well. We had a few beers and munched on a few snacks, the meatballs were good. 

Their house is an older single family city house on Harvard Place near Lafayette and Main, not far from Canisius College. Of course I wouldn't live in the city again, but to each his/her own! It's an old house with plenty of 'money pit' potential ahead of it. Lots of work has been done and lots more remains I'm sure. There are some very unique features like the bedroom upstairs that was made into someone's poker room at one time. It has a border of old poker chips around the wall. At some point someone painted 40's-style pinup girls on the walls and made the closet into a small bar that you can actually stand behind by being in the old closet space! Lee & Nate have been very creative with preserving some of these elements. They painted the walls in the poker room, but preserved the pinup girls by framing them in wooden trim so they looked framed. The attic is partially finished and the walls have the look of an old English Tudor-style room, it's very cool. The staircase and stained-glass window on the landing there are both very nice features as well.

We had fun and I'm glad we went. I didn't want to miss it since Lee & Nate, and most of the other Bears, came to my housewarming two years ago...wow, time flies. We didn't go out to the bars after the party, I was just too tired from working outside all day. Additionally, we went to Fugazi on Friday night and it was a bore.

Maybe it's just "Restless Heart Syndrome"

I've got a really bad disease

It's got me begging on my hands and knees

So take me to emergency

Cause something seems to be missing

Somebody take the pain away

It's like an ulcer bleeding in my brain
So send me to the pharmacy
So I can lose my memory
I'm elated
Medicated
Lord knows I tried to find a way to run away

I think they found another cure
For broken hearts and feeling insecure
You'd be surprised what I endure
What makes you feel so self-assured?

I need find a place to hide
You never know what could be waiting outside
The accidents you could find
It's like some kind of suicide

So what ails you is what impales you
I feel like I've been crucified to be satisfied

I'm a victim of my symptom
I am my own worst enemy
You're a victim of your symptom
You are your own worst enemy
Know your enemy

- Green Day

The Cruelty of Childhood is Alive & Well on Facebook

Call me a baby, but hey I'm a sensitive guy. Maybe you wouldn't know it to look at me, but I really am. My feelings are hurt very easily and sometimes I never recover. Luckily that doesn't hold true for my work or I'd be sunk since everyone hates the HR guy, especially a hard nose one like me. It is easy for me to feel excluded and not part of the group, I don't feel well liked. I try to think about where these feelings stem from, maybe it's because I was excluded from a lot of things as a kid because I was labeled as a 'fag,' and it turns out they were right, I am! However, I'm not sure if that would explain why I still feel that way even among gay men, or especially among gay men. I struggle with that often, maybe it's a weak ego, a poor self-image...who knows. 

Certain things happen to really set me off and I can feel a sinking feeling in my chest at the very moment of impact, It hurts a little more, the second someone else carelessly takes another piece, whether they mean to or not. I have a hundred examples I can think of where I have felt slighted, ignored, or abandoned. I try to remain positive and not to take it personally. Often I fight back and give the person a taste of their own medicine, passive aggression rarely works though...you never really know if they even made the correlation at all. I know it's a waste of energy, but I do it anyway. Will it change? Maybe, I mean I like horseradish now and I never did before.

Last night John and I went out to dinner with someone I have known since the summer of 1975. My friend Sue was always a constant in my life from 1975 until she moved to SC in 2000. She was the reason I moved to Buffalo in the first place. I wanted to know someone at the college I chose and it was a bonus that Sue and I both moved to the Buffalo area right after high school. Sue and I have done everything together, laugh, carry on, confide in one another, confess, cry, steal (an abused dog), lie, cheat, you name it. Sue wasn't my biggest cheerleader when I finally came out to her about the time we were both college freshmen, but she didn't turn on me either. She remained a constant, a best friend, a sister figure to me. I have always considered her family. When she moved, I was a bit of a lost soul and I've never really had a female friend like her since. I have grown close to other straight women since, but no one who was at my constant disposal like Sue. Before I met Jeff, I was at the house she shared with her Grandmother almost every night. Suffice to say, her departure left a hole.

I have been hurt by Sue, she's been hurt by me. Losing my Mom was the most difficult thing I've ever had to endure in my life, it's over four years now and I will often have a tough time dealing with it. I called Sue the day my Mom left. Since so many things were going on, I don't recall the conversation. What I do recall is that she wasn't there at the wake, or the memorial service, or the brunch afterwards. I wasn't bitter, she lives far away. That's a bit off the path, but last night we went to dinner and it was a lot of fun. Now Sue is a popular girl, you only get a brief appointment with her during her one week in WNY. Mine was last night, mine was dinner. It was only scheduled for so long, American Idol was on. I wish I was kidding, I am not...American Idol won out over spending more time with me. 

So what does all this have to do with Facebook? Well during dinner we somehow got onto the subject of people form our past 'finding' us in various ways. I mentioned that someone I knew in elementary school, and knew OF in high school, sent me a friend request on Facebook. Sue blurted out that this person had sent her a friend request on Facebook too! I said "You're on Facebook and didn't send ME a friend request?" She explained that she had only joined Facebook so she could access photos that a friend of hers had posted there. I didn't want that to dampen the spirit of the evening so I laughed it off. 

When I got home, I signed onto Facebook and did a search for Sue's profile and there it was, private of course. In Facebook you can view someones friends even if their profile is private, so I did and that's when I got that old familiar feeling in my chest, that sinking thing. A whole gallery of people who have abandoned me, mostly after Jeff and I split up. People like my one time best friend Ron, someone I was very close friends with from second grade until college when he moved to PA. I have reached out to him over and over again, most recently just a couple of months ago, to no avail. It's clear he doesn't want to be friends. He is another one who has rallied around my ex and turned his back on me. I don't know what Jeff told people, but he got them all. People who were friends with me since childhood turned their backs on me when I needed them most. 

I have to start all over again with a level of suspicion and mistrust that makes it very hard to form the trusting bonds necessary to become close friends. It's unreal to me, at 45 and I never thought I would be in a situation like this with friends. Most people have 'old friends,' I really don't feel like I do anymore. 

Of course I could not resist the temptation to look at Ron's friends along with some of the other people from my high school that have reached out to Ron and Sue, but not me. I saw so many familiar faces including Vanessa who disappeared and stopped sending me any greetings of any kind about 3 years ago without explanation. Does it hurt? Yes. Am I a baby? Sure am. I feel like I did in high school and that sucks. People who were only friends with each other because of me as the common thread are now reaching out to each other, but not to me. 

I feel like I'm too old to form the kind of friendship bonds I would like to and it makes me sad. Things like Facebook, and obligatory dinners once every year or so with someone like Sue make that very clear to me. Bummer

Rochester Can-Am

We decided to head to The Forum in Rochester this weekend for their Can-Am night. We headed down the Thruway and stayed at The Marriott Courtyard and, thanks to my Marriott reward points, stayed for free. We met up with Rick on Friday night and after another unsuccessful attempt to eat at the Dinosaur bbq, this time a two and a half hour wait, we went to our Sticky Lips instead. There was a wait, but a reasonable one. The food and service were great. Three strikes for Dinosaur, they're OUT! After dinner we headed back to the hotel to change into our party clothes.

We got to The Forum just before 11 and it was really starting to fill up. No offense to Buffalo, but MAN there were some hot men there, and I brought my own! The Rochester Rams were hosting the night along with the leather club from Ottawa, so I don't know who was Canadian and who was Rochesterian but hot men nonetheless. We got to spend some time with the guys we know in Rochester, Jared, Rick, Jeffrey and Rob. We also had the good fortune of meeting a few other guys for the first time. Steve from the Watkins Glen area decided to make the trip too and it was really nice getting to know him in person after chatting on line through B411 for so long. He was even nicer, and hotter, in person. 

I had a few, (too many), cocktails which included my traditional shots of Jager with beer chasers! We laughed and hung out there until their very early last call of 1:50, gotta love Buffalo's 4:00 bars! We headed back to The Courtyard and called it a night, or a morning actually. 

We had decided to get massages while we were in Rochester to top off our relaxing weekend mini-getaway. We had heard about Don the massage guy from our friend Graham and decided to give him a try. The first of our back to back appointments was at 10, meaning we had to get up and moving around by 8:30. Unfortunately, Rochester is just starting to get Tim Horton's on every corner so we couldn't find one close to the hotel, or along the route to East Avenue where Don is. Since I was slightly hungover, from the Jager, I had to have coffee immediately! I had to sacrifice and drink the swill Dunkin' Donuts calls coffee. (Joe - We had sex! Bonnie - We had what Joe calls sex). This made us a little late, but we did get there.

Don is a really great guy and he created a very nice and relaxing atmosphere for a nice hour-long massage. Since I was still a bit out of it, John went first and I sort of napped on the couch. It was a very relaxing massage and boy did I need it. After that, we headed to Crack-Whore Barrel for a late lunch, yummy chicken -n- dumplin's! I'm sorry, but damn there are some UGLY folks at that place...we decided Wal-Mart and Crack-Whore Barrel attracts the worst looking people in any area! Why is that? 

Once we got back home I actually worked in the yard, got the lawn cut and planted a few things. I'm as surprised as anyone, but it wasn't too awful. Overall it was a nice weekend and it was good to see the Rochester guys. I decided I need to plan more things with friends, I envy people that do stuff. So I decided to have a Memorial Day party, short notice but I think it will be fun. I spent all that time and money on the yard, may as well have people over to enjoy the day.

Green Day

Friday was the release date for the new Green Day CD. I resisted the temptation to get my hands on it 3 weeks ago when people were offering to send me pirate copies of it! I went to Target last night before we headed to Alton's for dinner since it was on sale for 10 bucks. It's a great CD so far, a little more mellow then I expected but it's Green Day so how can you go wrong?! I went to their website this morning to check out their tour dates and I find out that they will be in Albany in July! How awesome is that? www.greenday.com 

The Anomaly of Southgate

Yesterday during my lunch hour I decided that I needed to get a couple of chores done. I had to go to the bank, dry cleaners, get a couple of greeting cards, and find something to eat for lunch. That's a lot of running around for one lunch hour, especially in a neighborhood I'm not that familiar with. Right down Union Road is Southgate plaza www.southgateplaza.com, an anomaly during a time when you don't see plazas like that anymore. It's like stepping back into the late 60's, early 70's. It's a really large plaza with no vacant storefronts and it's not an outlet mall. The parking lot was pretty full and there are major chain stores there, in an old suburban plaza. Stores like New York and Company and Bath & Body Works. I got everything done that I needed to tend to, this is not interesting. I just found it strange was all.

Wednesday

Another day in Rochester for work. This time for the 'Executive Team Meeting.' What AM I doing there? It's frightening to be around that table, but also very exciting and rewarding. I feel very proud that my hard work and dedication over the years has created a seat at that table for me. I don't want to let them down, so I am working hard. I'm trying not to shine too brightly or make too many changes until I get my footing and learn why things are the way they are first.

I got a few things in the Rochester office done and then headed out. I stopped at Double A's to see Cari, Abby and the kids. David was so cute and animated today, he was in a great mood. He wanted me to pick him up as soon as he saw me, it was so cute. He would cry every time I wasn't holding him, even while Auntie Cari was trying to feed him. For some reason babies love me, and I love them too. Elizabeth is such a cute thing too, in her little dress and in her own little world as she babbles away. A good part of working in Rochester a couple days a week is being able to see them and not miss out on seeing them grow up. That was about it for my day, quiet night without John :(

 

Bowling Night

Had a training session all day for the HRIS system, Ultipro at work. I learned a lot about writing reports from the database, it was pretty cool. Things got a little 'corporate' and bureaucratic this afternoon and now I have to go to Rochester a day earlier than I had planned, but I have no complaints. I'm still very happy with my job and my place in the company. My office suite is coming along great, all painted and carpeted. This coming Tuesday I have to meet with someone about the furniture for the offices, very cool!

I was trying to think of what might be a fun distraction once I got out of work so I thought bowling might be it. Since the league ended last month we haven't gotten together with Brian and Ray either. I sent messages to Brian and Ray and they both said they would go too. So we got together as a team again and it was a good time as usual when we bowl. We went to Thruway Lanes instead of Voelker's, it was a cheap night out and keeps us in 'practice' during the off-season. I know, geeky or what? Who am I kidding? I just missed my bowling shoes!

Rochester Again (Rot & Fester)

Well I was in Rochester today and it continues to be very odd for me to be there. I was born and raised in the Rochester area, but moved away right after high school. My new job, which I love incidentally, takes me there twice a week. I'm a bi-city commuter now. I never really did learn my way around Rot & Fester, thanks Jeffrey for that name, when I lived there since I was only 17. I can get anywhere in Buffalo and I even know Toronto better than I know Rot & Fester. The good part is that it's exploration time again. 

I just love exploration time, with any new place, even if it's just a neighborhood I don't normally frequent. I just randomly take a road to see where it goes and eventually I figure it out and then I know a whole array of alternate routes.  I stick with what I know at first, but then I get brave and venture down roads that I previously avoided. I like using my Onstar to get suggestions, but ultimately, I know best! 

Rot & Fester is not an easy city to get around, unlike Buffalo. Buffalo was a planned city and is designed on the spoke system like Washington DC, thanks to Frederick Law Olmsted. There are beautiful tree-lined parkways and traffic circles abound. It's logical, Delaware Avenue stays Delaware Avenue from McKinley Square downtown all the way out to the canal in the City of Tonawanda. Rot & Fester is random and chaos rules. The streets frequently change names (and direction), first you're on State St, then it's Exchange St, then it's Lake Avenue, I wonder along the way why it went from 'streets' to an 'avenue.' I'm sure they don't know. Even Onstar is exasperated as it continually announces "Joseph Avenue becomes Seneca Avenue in 1 mile, one quarter of mile, you are on Seneca Avenue." 

I'm always very proud of myself once I've mustered the courage to tackle an area and learn my way around, the rush never gets old. But I have to do it in my own time, I can't be rushed or late for anything. So now I'm finally figuring out those crazy Rot & Fester expressways, the 490, the dreaded Inner Loop, the 590, the 390, and even the Keeler expressway, aka 104. I've done them all and I'm a better man for having been there! I have roots in both cities, but it's very cool to get to know the Rot & Fester I know very little about without having to actually live there!

My first memory, well on here

Another Sunday, another Sunday gone. I guess sometime I should actually do something on this day of rest, or maybe not. Had a great weekend with Sean, so glad he visited. He's so smart and sweet, great to hang out with. I think we will be making a trip or two to Albany! Friday night we took him to Jade's in Depew for a fish fry. We love their fish fries, but I doubt we'll go back since we were glared at. I haven't felt that way for a long time, frightened to be out. I don't want to give them anymore of my money. Rick and Lee joined us, the food was great...I'll miss it.  We hung out for the evening and had some great talks. 

Saturday we went plant shopping, something I haven't really done without Jeff, so it was actually a little difficult but I did it anyway. It will be distinctively 'me' in the front gardens, I got all purple flowers. Of course some more ornamental grass too, one of those purple as well. We took Sean to dinner at Casa di Pizza on Elmwood, after trying Pano's again to no avail. Pano's, another place I'll miss, another victim of their own success. I won't try anymore, off the list.  We headed out to Bear Night at Ohm, disco inferno being the theme. That only sucked because there was no variety in the music, all disco shit, all night long! Then we hit Cathode and then UG...also on board with the disco thing, so more of that music. 

Sunday was a little blue, woke up about 8:30 because I had a 'feeling' that Sean was gone, he was. He left about 7, I knew he was going in the morning but I was sort of bummed that I couldn't give him the big hugs and kisses he deserved. I wanted him to know how great it was to spend some time with him. It's mother's day, that sucks. My Mom left me over 4 years ago and I'm reminded enough of how much that sucks without a holiday devoted to rubbing it in. I did do some planting in the backyard, but it got cold! John went home to find water in his basement so he had to call Roto-Rooter to open it up. He wasn't able to get back here until after 8. I made some winter white chili since it got so cold we both had chills. It was good and all new cartoons tonight so that is decent. 

Tomorrow I'm off to Rochester for work. Miss you Sean, want to see you again soon! Thanks for your supportive and loving words. You made me feel good and you made me think.